My fists clenched with the feeling of
sharp,
painful
needles
stabbing through.
My eyes swelled up and a
waterfall of
tears
was shared among the room.
My throat became dry and soon there was
nothing to do but
stare off at the unknown.
My body ached of the emotion,
denial,
and sin.
My back held up my fidgeting body that was
drowned in flames of
anger and
sorrow.
My toes curled as they spoke of
unreasonable
possibilities.
My mind wondered why the world was a complicated maze,
which turned any direction it felt like.
My spirit had
vanished into a
dark and
faraway place.
My memory will never forget that
innocent minds were now
flowing with
unnecessary knowledge.
My heart questioned this haunting pain.
My Uncle was trapped into a sea of destructive thoughts, forgetting all feelings of love as he abandoned his body to bring himself to a garden of happiness. He chose to leave us all behind. He now remains only a memory.
My Uncle has left me.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Confessions of a Blonde Cheerleader- Final
There I stood in the middle of the hall. I could hear them whispering. “Did you hear…did you hear what she did last night?” As if it was any of their business. I tried to block it out but it wasn’t easy to do. I wasn’t even supposed to be here today. I had to come though. It had to be faced. My life almost ended because of them.
I know that it may seem like I’m probably a geek that is teased or something. Really, the truth is I’m not, but I wish I were. I’ve always been that beautiful blonde girl. I had the model body and the pea-sized brain. As a blonde cheerleader you are viewed in many ways. You are viewed as a person who doesn’t have a mind of their own and who is really, really stupid. Also behind your back, like in any social class, people either flaunt all over you or talk smack about you all the time. If you’re lucky they may act like your friend and then talk smack. There was this one time when I was in the bathroom (inside the stall) and my “friends” were outside the stalls talking.
“Nicole is such a slut. God, I can’t believe her.”
“Yeah Jane told me that Taylor told her that Nicole totally had sex with like ten guys, in a month.”
That was not true. I’ve never had sex.
“She just does it so people will like her.”
I would never do that just for shit friends like them.
“My mom says that I have to be nice to her because she works with her mom.”
That part was true. Our mom’s do work together but it never seemed like she felt she “had” to be friends with me.
“Oh you poor thing, I would to have to be friends with her. I mean I’m nice to her I guess and she thinks I like her but I just don’t. She just doesn’t do anything. I mean why can’t she just lighten up and have fun.”
“Believe me, I heard stories about her and when she parties, she parties hard.”
I’ve only gotten drunk once and made out with a guy. Then I ended up puking all over him. My friends don’t know what the hell their talking about. I hate this game they play. What do they think I’m stupid or something?
“I can’t believe she really thinks we like her. She’s just such a hoe.”
Well, I guess they do think I’m stupid. Yeah we’ve all been here and let’s face it, it sucks.
I’ve been in dance my whole life up until high school when my mom decided that cheerleading was “cooler.” I was the head cheerleader on the squad. Go, team, go right…it’s more like a cult I swear!
“Make me proud baby!” my mom would always say, “Be the girl I brought you up to be.”
I just walked past her, screaming in my head.
“Come on Nicole, cheer harder. ‘Jump, shake your booty…’”
It was humiliating having her up in those stands cheering me on. In the distance I would here her say, “That’s my daughter; the pretty blonde. Her name is Nicole. She’s going to be a model.”
God, I just wanted to be invisible. It was bad enough having her push me into cheerleading but the cheering on in the crowds was more embarrassing.
“Go, Nicole, go. Oh come on you can get your legs up higher.”
That was the last time I ever let her come to my cheers.
I wish she would die. Maybe not literally but at least get out of my face. My mom has always pushed me. Sadly she has pushed me socially instead of educationally. She treats me like her real-life Barbie doll, carelessly living her pathetic life through me. I’m not plastic. I’m real and I want a “real” life. Whatever that means I guess.
I have also been nominated for like every single one of those stupid homecoming things. One time I won and I can still play over in my head like a movie.
“Nicole, Nicole…you won…go get the crown.”
I pushed past hearing names…”Slut…hoe…why would she win?” My eyes filled but I swallowed that pain. Behind me, I heard them all. Ahead of me, I imagined dark tunnels that lead me to the end of my life. I walked up practically falling over. I felt the girl behind me slowly placing the crown upon my head. I tried to smile but then I saw them. They all whispered I could hear them.
“Nicole gets everything.”
“Her mom probably pays the school so she’ll win.”
“Look how fake she looks.” My heart beaded ten times faster. I could feel my lungs sinking into my stomach and not being able to catch a breath. My body felt distant from me. I was smiling on the outside but on the inside I was falling into shattered glass. Everything seemed to be falling apart.
People make me out to seem like my life is perfect and I get everything that I could possibly want. It’s not true at all. I would do anything in the world to have my mom stop controlling my life. “Nicole, you need to go to this party. It’s huge in the social classes. What will your friends think if you don’t go?” She followed me up the stairs practically pulling her long corrupt hair out. “My baby will not give up. I didn’t raise you to be that way.” I ignored her and paid for it. I get home and am excited because then I can finally escape my fairy tale life. It’s not until I walk through the door that I realize my mom has planned yet another party and sleepover. Oh and all those “friends” of mine that she invites just talk about me and want to drink and get high. My mom doesn’t get why I don’t want to hang out with them but yeah that’s why. They make me feel like crap and tease me about not wanting to do drugs and drink. ‘Try this, it’s amazing.’ I’d shake my head no and walk away. Behind me they’d cut deep, “Momma’s girl. What an angel. Go find God, Nicole.” There are too many pressures on both ends for me.
This has all been happening for my whole seventeen years. My mom is living her life she wanted through me and my friends can’t except that not everyone likes to get drunk and high. I finally snapped. I’ve been so depressed the last few years and she doesn’t even care. I try to get though it and convince myself that my life is great. It’s not, though, because I’m not being myself at all. I couldn’t even tell you exactly who I am, just know I’m not the Barbie doll my mom makes me out to be. Not to mention the outsider of my friends.
The brisk air hit my shoulders as I ran anxiously into my home. I looked up to see the glow in the sky daring me to take the next step. It was Sunday night and I have had the longest weekend with my mom and friends. I was in my room when everything started spinning. Pins stabbed my body. I reached for the sleeping pills beside my bed realizing I had wanted this forever. I poured them into my hand. I just sat there and stared at the all ten pills in my hand. Without another thought I put them all in my mouth and swallowed. There was no need for a note. I had nothing to say I just knew I couldn’t live anymore. It was too much.
My death didn’t work out. I woke up to a bright shining light in my eyes and doctors all around. “Nicole…Nicole…she’s awake” My mom hugged me and told me she loved me. I blankly looked into her dark eyes. Silently speaking saying it was her fault and that I never want to see her ever again. She looked at me in awe and then walked away.
I yelled after her, “I don’t just hate you; I hate myself because I listened to you and made me this way!”
“Well isn’t that pleasant.” She said now walking back into the room, “I feel so hurt. I’ve done so much for you and this is how you repay me. You…you…try to take your life. You act like I have no care in the world. I love you so much and I just want the best for you. You don’t know what it’s like to have no friends and get bullied every single day of your life. That’s why I’ve pushed you. I don’t want that life for you. I wanted you to have friends and have parties and be...be…the girl I always wanted to be.”
“I’m…I’m sorry Mom. I didn’t know.”
“It’s ok.”
“I just really well I’m not the girl you want me to be. I don’t want this life. I want to decide myself. Can you understand that?”
“Yes I can. I probably pushed you too hard and I’m sorry I just got so caught up and couldn’t stop.”
“I’m sorry I did this. I just hated myself for who I’d become and hated you and my whole life. “
“We’ll just make sure it doesn’t happen again.” She says smiling and kissing me on the forehead.
So there I was the next day at school and whispers all around me. Whispers about me trying to end it all. Confusion hung around the halls. I wished they’d all forget. It was hard enough facing myself but now I faced them. They are people who spread rumors and talk about you. They think it doesn’t hurt the popular ones. We do it more to them and that’s what hurt me more. I fell into that trap because my mom and friends pushed so hard. I fell into their spells of evil.
It’s all over I hope though. I’m just going to become who I want to be. First thing I did, when I made it past the stares, was quit cheerleading.” Leave me alone” I told my friends, “and never talk to me again.” It all felt good and it was all falling into place. I ignored the rumors because I knew they weren’t true. I’m never going to let their words hurt me like that again, ever.
I know that it may seem like I’m probably a geek that is teased or something. Really, the truth is I’m not, but I wish I were. I’ve always been that beautiful blonde girl. I had the model body and the pea-sized brain. As a blonde cheerleader you are viewed in many ways. You are viewed as a person who doesn’t have a mind of their own and who is really, really stupid. Also behind your back, like in any social class, people either flaunt all over you or talk smack about you all the time. If you’re lucky they may act like your friend and then talk smack. There was this one time when I was in the bathroom (inside the stall) and my “friends” were outside the stalls talking.
“Nicole is such a slut. God, I can’t believe her.”
“Yeah Jane told me that Taylor told her that Nicole totally had sex with like ten guys, in a month.”
That was not true. I’ve never had sex.
“She just does it so people will like her.”
I would never do that just for shit friends like them.
“My mom says that I have to be nice to her because she works with her mom.”
That part was true. Our mom’s do work together but it never seemed like she felt she “had” to be friends with me.
“Oh you poor thing, I would to have to be friends with her. I mean I’m nice to her I guess and she thinks I like her but I just don’t. She just doesn’t do anything. I mean why can’t she just lighten up and have fun.”
“Believe me, I heard stories about her and when she parties, she parties hard.”
I’ve only gotten drunk once and made out with a guy. Then I ended up puking all over him. My friends don’t know what the hell their talking about. I hate this game they play. What do they think I’m stupid or something?
“I can’t believe she really thinks we like her. She’s just such a hoe.”
Well, I guess they do think I’m stupid. Yeah we’ve all been here and let’s face it, it sucks.
I’ve been in dance my whole life up until high school when my mom decided that cheerleading was “cooler.” I was the head cheerleader on the squad. Go, team, go right…it’s more like a cult I swear!
“Make me proud baby!” my mom would always say, “Be the girl I brought you up to be.”
I just walked past her, screaming in my head.
“Come on Nicole, cheer harder. ‘Jump, shake your booty…’”
It was humiliating having her up in those stands cheering me on. In the distance I would here her say, “That’s my daughter; the pretty blonde. Her name is Nicole. She’s going to be a model.”
God, I just wanted to be invisible. It was bad enough having her push me into cheerleading but the cheering on in the crowds was more embarrassing.
“Go, Nicole, go. Oh come on you can get your legs up higher.”
That was the last time I ever let her come to my cheers.
I wish she would die. Maybe not literally but at least get out of my face. My mom has always pushed me. Sadly she has pushed me socially instead of educationally. She treats me like her real-life Barbie doll, carelessly living her pathetic life through me. I’m not plastic. I’m real and I want a “real” life. Whatever that means I guess.
I have also been nominated for like every single one of those stupid homecoming things. One time I won and I can still play over in my head like a movie.
“Nicole, Nicole…you won…go get the crown.”
I pushed past hearing names…”Slut…hoe…why would she win?” My eyes filled but I swallowed that pain. Behind me, I heard them all. Ahead of me, I imagined dark tunnels that lead me to the end of my life. I walked up practically falling over. I felt the girl behind me slowly placing the crown upon my head. I tried to smile but then I saw them. They all whispered I could hear them.
“Nicole gets everything.”
“Her mom probably pays the school so she’ll win.”
“Look how fake she looks.” My heart beaded ten times faster. I could feel my lungs sinking into my stomach and not being able to catch a breath. My body felt distant from me. I was smiling on the outside but on the inside I was falling into shattered glass. Everything seemed to be falling apart.
People make me out to seem like my life is perfect and I get everything that I could possibly want. It’s not true at all. I would do anything in the world to have my mom stop controlling my life. “Nicole, you need to go to this party. It’s huge in the social classes. What will your friends think if you don’t go?” She followed me up the stairs practically pulling her long corrupt hair out. “My baby will not give up. I didn’t raise you to be that way.” I ignored her and paid for it. I get home and am excited because then I can finally escape my fairy tale life. It’s not until I walk through the door that I realize my mom has planned yet another party and sleepover. Oh and all those “friends” of mine that she invites just talk about me and want to drink and get high. My mom doesn’t get why I don’t want to hang out with them but yeah that’s why. They make me feel like crap and tease me about not wanting to do drugs and drink. ‘Try this, it’s amazing.’ I’d shake my head no and walk away. Behind me they’d cut deep, “Momma’s girl. What an angel. Go find God, Nicole.” There are too many pressures on both ends for me.
This has all been happening for my whole seventeen years. My mom is living her life she wanted through me and my friends can’t except that not everyone likes to get drunk and high. I finally snapped. I’ve been so depressed the last few years and she doesn’t even care. I try to get though it and convince myself that my life is great. It’s not, though, because I’m not being myself at all. I couldn’t even tell you exactly who I am, just know I’m not the Barbie doll my mom makes me out to be. Not to mention the outsider of my friends.
The brisk air hit my shoulders as I ran anxiously into my home. I looked up to see the glow in the sky daring me to take the next step. It was Sunday night and I have had the longest weekend with my mom and friends. I was in my room when everything started spinning. Pins stabbed my body. I reached for the sleeping pills beside my bed realizing I had wanted this forever. I poured them into my hand. I just sat there and stared at the all ten pills in my hand. Without another thought I put them all in my mouth and swallowed. There was no need for a note. I had nothing to say I just knew I couldn’t live anymore. It was too much.
My death didn’t work out. I woke up to a bright shining light in my eyes and doctors all around. “Nicole…Nicole…she’s awake” My mom hugged me and told me she loved me. I blankly looked into her dark eyes. Silently speaking saying it was her fault and that I never want to see her ever again. She looked at me in awe and then walked away.
I yelled after her, “I don’t just hate you; I hate myself because I listened to you and made me this way!”
“Well isn’t that pleasant.” She said now walking back into the room, “I feel so hurt. I’ve done so much for you and this is how you repay me. You…you…try to take your life. You act like I have no care in the world. I love you so much and I just want the best for you. You don’t know what it’s like to have no friends and get bullied every single day of your life. That’s why I’ve pushed you. I don’t want that life for you. I wanted you to have friends and have parties and be...be…the girl I always wanted to be.”
“I’m…I’m sorry Mom. I didn’t know.”
“It’s ok.”
“I just really well I’m not the girl you want me to be. I don’t want this life. I want to decide myself. Can you understand that?”
“Yes I can. I probably pushed you too hard and I’m sorry I just got so caught up and couldn’t stop.”
“I’m sorry I did this. I just hated myself for who I’d become and hated you and my whole life. “
“We’ll just make sure it doesn’t happen again.” She says smiling and kissing me on the forehead.
So there I was the next day at school and whispers all around me. Whispers about me trying to end it all. Confusion hung around the halls. I wished they’d all forget. It was hard enough facing myself but now I faced them. They are people who spread rumors and talk about you. They think it doesn’t hurt the popular ones. We do it more to them and that’s what hurt me more. I fell into that trap because my mom and friends pushed so hard. I fell into their spells of evil.
It’s all over I hope though. I’m just going to become who I want to be. First thing I did, when I made it past the stares, was quit cheerleading.” Leave me alone” I told my friends, “and never talk to me again.” It all felt good and it was all falling into place. I ignored the rumors because I knew they weren’t true. I’m never going to let their words hurt me like that again, ever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)